Happy Friday, dudes. Tomorrow is the Royal Rumble, so we know your focus is already on surprise entrants, suplexes, and whether or not someone’s getting tossed over the top rope like last week’s leftovers. Before you put your brain in full 'LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE' mode we’ve got an edition that’s worth your attention.

History Stuff

Pirate Justice

Pirates ran one of the most chaotic yet oddly functional workplaces in history. They had democracy. They had profit-sharing. They even had workers’ comp. Lose a leg in battle and you got extra gold. But step out of line, and things got medieval. Literally.

So what happened if you stole from your crewmates, botched a heist, or God forbid, drank all the rum? Let’s find out.

Walking the Plank

You’ve seen it in every pirate movie ever. Some poor sap teeters on a board while the crew jeers (sweet word by the way). It’s dramatic. It’s cinematic. It’s also mostly nonsense.

Real pirates weren’t in the business of slow, theatrical send-offs. If you were causing problems, you’d probably just get a knife between the ribs or a one-way trip overboard. No board, no buildup, just a quick splash and a farewell.

That said, walking the plank did happen, mostly as a way to drag out the psychological torment. The real winners? Hollywood. A slow, suspenseful plunge into the ocean makes for a great movie moment. A quick stab to the ribs? Not nearly as cinematic.

Keelhauling

If pirates really had a bone to pick with you, they’d skip the plank and go straight to keelhauling. A punishment so nasty that death was the best-case scenario.

Here’s how it worked. They’d tie you up, toss you overboard, and drag you under the ship. Think of it like the worst water park ride imaginable. Instead of a lazy river, you’re getting yanked through a tunnel lined with jagged blades. Pirate ships weren’t smooth-bottomed yachts. They were covered in barnacles, and those things don’t tickle. Ever scraped your knee on coral? Now imagine that, but with your entire body getting shredded like a block of parmesan.

The Dutch Navy loved this one. Pirates? Not as much, but they definitely kept it in their back pocket for special occasions. And if you survived? Congratulations, you’re now an open wound in human form.

🎯 Click here for an animation of what keelhauling would have looked like

Marooning

Killing someone was easy. Too easy. But stranding them on a deserted island with nothing but a bottle of rum and a pistol? That’s just good old pirate fun.

Marooning was the go-to punishment for traitors, mutineers, and anyone who made themselves too annoying. If you were lucky, you got dumped on an actual island. If you weren’t, you got a sandbar at low tide.

Some victims managed to survive. Shoutout to Captain Edward England, who pulled a Tom Hanks and lived after being marooned just off of Madagascar. But for most, this was a slow, thirsty, sunburned death sentence. And fun fact, this is where the phrase “high and dry” comes from (obligatory Radiohead link).

The Cat o’ Nine Tails

If pirates had an HR department, their official disciplinary tool would’ve been the Cat o’ Nine Tails. A whip designed to turn your back into ground beef. Remember the weird dude from The Da Vinci Code? This is what he was using in that one scene. You know the one.

This wasn’t just any whip. It had nine separate tails, sometimes with knots or metal bits woven in. Infractions could earn you 20, 40, or even 50 lashes. Safe to say, by that point, your back looked like something off a butcher’s counter. Infection was almost guaranteed, and in extreme cases, the punishment itself was a death sentence.

The British Navy also loved this one, because of course they did. They used it to keep sailors in line. In short, if you ever heard the words “flogging’s due,” you were about to have a very bad day.

The Worst Punishment? Getting Drafted into the Royal Navy

Okay, so death was bad. But you know what pirates really feared? Getting forcibly enlisted into the Royal Navy.

The British, on the other hand, loved making a spectacle of pirate punishment. If they caught you, they didn’t just throw you in a cell. You would either dance the hempen jig, a poetic way of saying "get hanged," or get an offer that wasn’t much better. Join the Navy or swing from a noose at Execution Dock, where bodies were left hanging for days as a warning.

Picture this. You spend years robbing, drinking, and living free. Then one day, you get caught. Instead of a quick death, you are forced to scrub decks, eat maggot-infested biscuits, and obey orders from some powdered-wig noble.

Some pirates chose the rope. Others signed up, only to spend the rest of their days wishing they had.

Basically, it is like being a rock star and suddenly being forced into a nine-to-five cubicle job. Except with more scurvy.

Pirate Justice: Cruel, but Effective

Pirates didn’t believe in second chances. Their justice system was fast, brutal, and guaranteed to leave a mark. But as harsh as it was, it kept crews in line. Everyone had a role, and if you failed to pull your weight, the ocean had plenty of room for one more.

Friend of the newsletter, MikeyPesto, hit us with a pirate-themed book rec for you guys to check out.

Get your copy 👉 Here

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Quick Stuff

Why Manhole Covers Are Round

Our high school English teacher (shoutout Mr. Dever) told us this was a question they ask in Google interviews. No idea if that’s actually true, but at least now you’ll know.

So why are manhole covers round?

• They Won’t Fall In A round cover can’t drop through the hole it’s supposed to cover. A square or rectangle? Twist it the wrong way and boom, now you’ve got a manhole cover stuck underground like Excalibur.

• Rolling Beats Lifting Ever tried carrying a 200-pound chunk of iron? Exactly. Round covers can be rolled instead of awkwardly lugged around, which is a win for anyone who has to move them.

• Built for the Big Leagues Circles spread out weight evenly, meaning they don’t crack under pressure whether that’s from an 18-wheeler or a city worker who's had one too many beef n cheddars.

• No Need to Line Them Up A round cover always fits no matter how you drop it back in place.

• Cheaper to Make Less material, less cost. A circular cover does the job without wasting extra iron and that’s a win for city budgets. Not that they’ll ever pass those savings on to you.